Sound: The sounds of a train station. A train whistle. Two pairs of footsteps walking to meet each other.
GERMAN TRAIN CONDUCTOR: Guttentag, Herr Phillips. Your luggage has already arrived. You are in cabin five.
Sound: Chet enters his cabin and shuts the door. Luggage being opened. A tape player clicks on and the tape unspools
MISSION VOICE (On Tape): Good morning, Chet. General Jose Barreda, aka “El Pato”, aka “The Duck”, is the military leader of the South American nation of San Ontra-Parte. He is landing on U.S. soil in two days, where he plans on giving a speech to drum up support for his sham presidency among Americans. Your mission, should you chose to accept it, is to replace the general with one of your Extraordinary Mission agents and sabotage his speech, which is to be given at a Motel 6 in Toledo, Ohio
Sound: The tape recorder clicks off
CHET: Toledo? What is this, amateur hour? Last time it was Gary, Indiana. Time before that it was a garbage trowel in Delaware. These missions used to be fun. Venice. Paris. Dubai. Minsk. Sacramento…a completely underrated city! Oh well. Where was I?
Sound: The tape rewinds
MISSION VOICE (On Tape): …among Americans. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, i
CHET: I never really considered NOT accepting it. He does always say it’s my choice…and I hate Ohio. Then again, I do love overthrowing a despot. Then again…Ohio. Meh. You know what? REJECTED.
ANNOUNCER: Mission: Rejected. The adventures of the Extraordinary Mission Team’s most secret agents…the back ups. Tonight’s episode: “Duck and Cover.”
Sound: The hum of an overhead florescent light, the sounds of Skip working at his desk and then a knock at the door.
SKIP: Who is it?
ZELDA (Through the door): Open up, Granger.
SKIP: Who is it, please?
ZELDA (Through the door): Granger, you know it’s me. Section Chief Anders.
SKIP: Well, if you are, then you know why blind people don’t go sky diving.
ZELDA (Through the door): GRANGER!
SKIP: Why don’t blind people go sky diving?
ZELDA (Through the door): Because it frightens the dog!
SKIP: Thank you.
Sound: A security button being depressed, a buzz and a magnetic lock releasing. The door opens and Zelda steps into the room
ZELDA: Granger, what have I told you about these ridiculous pass phrases?
SKIP: Company guidelines clearly state that new pass phrases must be issued daily to prove the identity of fellow agents.
ZELDA: In the field, Granger. To identify agents in the field, not me, the boss from down the hall.
SKIP: Pass phrases are my job, chief. I’m preeeety sure I know what the regulations say.
ZELDA: I don’t need to use a pass phrase every time I want to come in here. What if I just wanted to take you to lunch?
SKIP: Do you want to take me to lunch?
SKIP: Oh. Good. Because I’m not sure what the manual says about lunches between co-workers without a justifiable business purpose.
SKIP: I assume we’d have to go Dutch. Otherwise it might be considered a gift. Of course we’d probably be spending less than $100, which is technically an allowable non-gift expenditure. Let me just check the book
SKIP: You’re right. You’re right. We should go Dutch. Better yet, separate checks. Actually, we should probably sit at different tables so that we can’t be identified as colleagues. In case anyone is watching.
SKIP: Separate restaurants?
SKIP: Section Chief Anders.
ZELDA: Come with me. It’s promotion day. God help us.
Scene Change Music.
Sound: The sounds of Skip and Zelda’s footsteps in the hall. We can faintly hear their conversation.
SKIP: Does this mean you’re finally taking me up on my offer to modernize the handbook? I already have some sample chapters I can show you.
ZELDA: Communications Agent Third Class Skip Granger, meet Secret Agent Chet Phillips, leader of the…
SKIP: Of the greatest Extraordinary Missions Team this agency has ever known! It is an honor to meet you, sir.
CHET: The pleasure is mine, Agent Third Class Granger.
SKIP: I hate to ask, but can I have your autograph?
CHET: My pleasure, champ.
Sound: Chet takes out a pen, clicks it on and signs a piece of paper for skip. CHET CLICKS THE PEN ON AND OFF THROUGHOUT THE REST OF THE SCENE.
SKIP: I can’t believe I’m meeting THE Chet Phillips! Wait. AM I meeting the real Chet Phillips? If I am…how’s the price of salmon in Okinawa?
CHET: Too high for my taste, but the grouper is cheap and plentiful.
SKIP: It is him! It is you! Section Chief Anders, I think you are looking at the only field agent who bothers to memorize all of my pass phrases.
ZELDA: No. I’m looking at the only two.
SKIP: But Agent Kenny died in the fire at that freezer warehouse last June
CHET: She’s talking about you, sport. I’m tagging you in.
ZELDA: For the first time in agency history, Agent Phillips here has declined a mission. That means it falls to the next most senior agent.
SKIP: But that’s Anastasia.
CHET: I’m afraid not.
ZELDA: Her body was found this morning. She got trapped in the oven factory overnight and froze to death.
CHET: That leaves you.
ZELDA: Pursuant to your beloved field manual, when a senior agent rejects a mission, it gets passed down the chain of command. When the agency started, that chain was a dozen people deep.
CHET: But thanks to my incredible track record of both completing missions and coming home alive, I have never once rejected a mission.
ZELDA: So we’ve sort of…let the chain shrink a little. For budget reasons. Kenny and Anastasia were the only backups. You’re the next most senior person and after you, it’s the janitor.
CHET: Listen, Skipper – can I call you Skipper?
SKIP: I wish you wouldn’t.
CHET: There’s someone out there taking down our agents in strangely oxymoronic ways. This new mission it’s peanuts and kids stuff. You take care of that while I try and snuff out our assassin.
ZELDA: Agent Phillips, as I have repeatedly told you, you have no authority to create your own missions. You accept or reject the missions given to you by this agency and that is all. And I strongly advise you NOT to make a habit of rejecting them.
CHET: Fine. Then I think I’m going to take a few of the SIX HUNDRED vacation days I’m owed.
ZELDA: See that you do. I’m warning you, Phillips, I don’t want to hear about ANY unauthorized action by you or your team.
CHET: Well, then, you better cover your ears.
Sound: Chet clicks the pen three times in a row.
ZELDA: Would you please stop with the damn pen! What are you doing?
CHET: Making an exit.
Sound: The sound of Chet’s pen hitting the floor and then exploding with a high pitched wail.
ZELDA: Stun grenade!
Sound: Skip and Zelda scream. The next few lines are barely audible under a ringing in our ears.
ZELDA: God damn it, Phillips!
SKIP: What do you want filled up?
SKIP: What do you want to fill up?
ZELDA: I told you, I’m not taking you to lunch.
SKIP: Oh, I dunno, when I was maybe fourteen at Scouts’ camp?
ZELDA: GOD. I HATE when he does that. Who conceals a stun grenade in his pen?
SKIP: The greatest man who ever lived?
ZELDA: No. An asshole.
Scene change music.
Sound: Chet’s Porsche speeds through the parking lot.
CHET: Better cover your ears. Ha! I really defy anyone to come up with better exit lines than me.
Sound: The car comes to a halt as he approaches the parking attendant.
CHET: Attendant, open the gate please.
PARKING GUY: Taking the Porsche out, eh, Mr. Phillips? Must be heading out on one of those dangerous missions.
CHET: Not this time, buddy. I’m thinking about taking a long vacation. Wait, how do you know about the missions?
PARKING GUY: Oh, you’d be surprised what a parking garage attendant overhears when everyone thinks he’s just watching porn in his little booth. Why just the other day…
CHET: Open the gate, please.
PARKING GUY: Okay, okay. You seem real stressed. If I could make a recommendation, the Missus and I took one of them OB Cruises. Weeks out at sea really clears the mind. I got a brochure here.
CHET: Hmm. Maybe a cruise is just what I need.
PARKING GUY: Yeah, they got this cleanse you can do –
CHET: Would you just open the gate?
Sound: The gate opens and Chet’s car speeds out.
PARKING GUY: What an asshole.
Scene Change Music
ZELDA: Welcome to your new command center, Agent Granger. Before you get too excited, it’s a conference room. Still, it has everything you need to run a successful mission – projector, screen, mainframe computer access, and a truly terrible coffee machine. As you know, on a typical mission, senior agents are allowed to assemble their own team from our list of various contractors and security cleared professionals. Since this is your first time in the field, I took the liberty of putting together a team for you.
SKIP: Presumptuous, but you are the section chief, so guess it’s allowable.
ZELDA: Anyone ever tell you you’ve got a real set on you, Granger?
SKIP: My mother, but my doctor assured her it was normal in a boy my age.
GLORIA: Oh my.
ZELDA: This is Gloria. She’s doing a Presidential Management Fellowship as part of her graduate program. It’s typically against regulations to put an intern in our department, but all the White House fellows keep requesting re-assignments and they’ve run out of other agencies to move them to.
SKIP: I can’t imagine why.
GLORIA: It’s touch subject.
SKIP: You mean touchy?
GLORIA: I’m MUCH happier being here. You all have the BEST office supplies! You have highlighter shades I didn’t even know existed!
SKIP: My favorite is Midnight Taupe.
ZELDA: Can we focus, please? Next, meet Mackenzie McGrath, computer expert and hacker genius.
ZELDA: Working for us instead of doing time. Among her various computer crimes, the FBI picked her up six months ago trying to use a new Snapchat filter that actually stole people’s identities.
MACKENZIE: TRYING to use? When you picked me up, I was Khole Kardashian! Or one of them anyway…
SKIP: You’re the inventor of SnapFace!
MACKENZIE: Hey, not bad for commie narc. That’s right, SnapFace is my baby. Get me one good selfie of anyone and this puppy can download their entire browsing history, including finances, and 3D print a perfect latex mask of their face, undetectable to even those closest to them. Just ask Kayne. Or was it Lamar?
ZELDA: Regardless of its dubious origins, the device does have its uses. Particularly if you have someone who can perfectly mimic your target’s voice and mannerisms. May I present Bowden Montcrief, one of the world’s most foremost actors and impersonators.
BOWDEN: Always happy to help out. You know, Zelda, your donation to the theater guild this year was most generous.
ZELDA: Oh my. It was nothing.
BOWDEN: I hope we’ll be seeing you and Pat at the opening reception.
ZELDA: Well, of course, we never miss a Bowden Montcrief opening.
SKIP: I didn’t realize you had a husband, chief.
ZELDA: I don’t.
SKIP: So Pat is…
ZELDA: My wife.
MACKENZIE: Oooooooh. Way to score points with the boss, narc.
GLORIA: I can’t believe I get to work with THE Bowden Montcrief!
BOWDEN: You know my work?
GLORIA: KNOW IT? You were Raquel’s love interest on my favorite show – Acquaintances!
BOWDEN: PBS’s attempt to ride the Friends bandwagon. You have taste – that’s some of my best work. Even if we only lasted twelve and half episodes.
MACKENZIE: Twelve and half?
BOWDEN: We got cut off mid-episode for breaking news about the birth a baby manatee at the National Zoo…and they never cut back.
ZELDA: Bowden is the man of a million voices. With one of Mackenzie’s face masks on, he can be an exact double for El Pato.
SKIP: Surely not an exact double. Not with so little time to study.
BOWDEN: My friend, the immortal words of El Pato himself:
(Suddenly, Bowden’s voice is that of El Pato.)
EL PATO: ¡Hay que aplastar al capitalismo! ¡Muerte a los que retendrían a nuestro país! ¡Los cobardes que han gobernado sobre nosotros han encontrado su pareja! ¡Viva la revolución de la gente!
Sound: Everyone applauds.
GLORIA: Mr. Montcrief, you speak Spanish?
BOWDEN: Don’t understand a word of it. But I have an ear for phonetics. I don’t have to understand what I’m saying, I just have to say it. In today’s growing Hispanic market, they’re always looking for actors who can deliver copy en español.
(He adopts El Pato’s voice again.)
EL PATO: McDonald’s. Me encanta.
SKIP: My God. That’s the most incredible thing I’ve ever heard.
BOWDEN: Thank you. You know, I heard from my agent that they’re interested in me for the twelfth angry man at the Don Rickles Dinner Arena.
GLORIA: In TAMPA?
BOWDEN: The same. And you know the twelfth man IS the angriest of the bunch.
MACKENZIE: Here come the Tonys.
BOWDEN: They don’t give Tonys for dinner theater. Technically, it would be a Burt Reynolds.
SKIP: Sir, I believe that if anyone can get one – it’s you.
BOWDEN: I like him, Zelda. This one’s a keeper.
ZELDA: Finally, meet Joe the Plumber. He’s your…
SKIP: Let me guess. Plumbing expert.
JOE: Way to be judgmental there, buddy.
SKIP: I am so so sorry. I shouldn’t have assumed based on your name, sir. Mam. Sir. S’mam. Sorry, I get flustered when I think I’m being insensitive to race, creed, color, sexual orientation, gender or sports team affiliation.
MACKENZIE: He’s gonna get us killed. This guy is going to get us killed.
JOE: Deep breaths there, bud. You can just call me Joe. I’m a Packers fan and everything else is as the Lord made me. I trained in electric engineering and surveillance with the Army. I got a touch of PTSD after my tour, found that doing this James Bond crap helped take the edge off.
SKIP: Thank you for your service, Joe. It would be an honor to wear cheese on my head with you one day.
JOE: Also, I really am a plumber when I’m topside. Take my card. Lowest rates in the city by a mile, I promise you.
MACKENZIE: He unclogged my drain last night.
SKIP: I hope to God you literally mean a drain.
ZELDA: This is your team, Granger. Lead them. Here’s everything you need to know about El Pato. His speech is just over twenty-four hours from now. This man CAN NOT gain any support in America. If this speech goes well, our current Commander In Chief may even invite him to the White House, which again I stress, CAN NOT HAPPEN. I have worked with our peer agencies to create the perfect speech to turn popular opinion against El Pato. Just get in, say those exact words and get out. Remember, if you get caught or killed, this agency and your government will disavow any knowledge of you or the mission. I’ll see you here in 48 hours for the debrief. Good luck.
Sound: Zelda exits, the door opening and then shutting behind her.
SKIP: Okay. Where do we start?
MACKENZIE: I know
SKIP: Great. Where?
MACKENZIE: Finding someone to notarize my will. You guys want in? Maybe we can get some sort of bulk rate.
SKIP: Well. That’s not helpful at all.
MACKENZIE: You’re right. What’s money when you’re dead? Anyway, I’m sure you’ll figure this whole mission thing out.
Sound: Chairs pushing back from the table.
SKIP: Wait. Where you going?
JOE: I gotta make a house call.
GLORIA: Tinder date.
BOWDEN: I have to put myself on tape for a Viagra commercial. The amount of lines I have to memorize is outrageous. The disclaimers alone are going to keep me up all night. You’ll let us know what time call is tomorrow? I’d appreciate it if it were no earlier than 9am.
SKIP: Sit down.
MACKENZIE: Oh somebody put his big boy pants on this morning.
SKIP: Sit down right now or…
Sound: Skip pulls a pen out of his pocket and clicks it.
SKIP: Or I’ll use this.
JOE: Whadda got there?
SKIP: Just a little something I took off my friend Chet Phillips.
BOWDEN: This is Liza backstage at Carson all over again.
SKIP: I mean it. I’ll do it.
MACKENZIE: Oh shit, is that a
SKIP: Stun grenade!
GLORIA: Mr. Montcrief, cover your ears!
Sound: Skip clicks the pen three times.
SKIP: Actually it’s just my pen, but now that I have your attention, will you please sit down?
BOWDEN: Well played. The great Jerry Robbins would have admired your commitment.
MACKENZIE: Okay, Skip. What’s the plan?
SKIP: El Pato, like so many dictators, presents himself as a man of the people. He has built a reputation for being a staunch anti-capitalist, but privately loves nothing more than a Starbucks coffee and a fast food cheeseburger.
MACKENZIE: While his people starve. You gotta let me clean out this guy’s bank account.
BOWDEN: Does it say if he likes fries with his burger?
SKIP: Mmm…no, it doesn’t say.
BOWDEN: Pity. I like to have a complete backstory when I take on a character. I eat what he eats. I drink what he drinks. I love what he loves.
GLORIA (Swoons): Ooooooh
JOE: Okay, know your enemy is all well and good – but I like battle plans. How are we gonna get at this guy?
SKIP: Well, it says here that prior to giving his speech, the general will be staying in room 42 of the motel. We’re going to need to get in there so that Mackenzie can get a photo of him and make the mask for Bowden.
MACKENZIE: Let’s not get too friendly. I’d prefer if you just call me McGrath.
SKIP: Okay, noted. Ms. McGrath.
MACKENZIE: What do you mean, Ms?
MACKENZIE: Strike TWO! It’s Doctor.
SKIP: Oh. Oh, I am so sorry. I assumed. Again. Forgive me, Doctor. Doctor. Doctor McGrath.
MACKENZIE: Hahahahaha! You are too easy. I barely finished college I was so bored. Just call me McGrath. We’re cool, Skip.
SKIP: Actually, I’d prefer Agent Gr-
MACKENZIE: So, what’s the plan, Skip?
SKIP: As I was saying. McGrath needs to get a photo of the general to make a mask.
MACKENZIE: Actually, I don’t need to be in the room. If you have my app on your phone and can grab a clear picture of him, I can print out the mask from an adjoining room.
SKIP: Joe, maybe you could pose as a repair man to get into the room?
JOE: Can’t do it. If I understand this brief correctly, we gotta make sure the general’s speech makes him look bad. I’ll have to make sure whatever is on the teleprompter gets overwritten. I can do that from my van, I have all the equipment I need, but I’ll have to park out of sight.
BOWDEN: Why don’t you leave getting the photo to me? I’m going to need his clothes anyway.
SKIP: How are you going to get in the room? He’s sure to be heavily guarded.
BOWDEN: You ever see Eastwood in Escape from Alcatraz?
BOWDEN: Me either, but Clint’s a friend of mine and if there’s one thing he’s taught me, it’s look tough, squint your eyes, clench your jaw and nobody will mess with you. (Doing a Clint Eastwood voice.) I’ll get in that motel room all right. I’ll get in there…punk.
GLORIA: I got CHILLS! It’s like I was in the room with Clint himself!
MACKENZIE: We’re gonna die.
Scene Change Music
Sound: A key card unlocking a motel room.
SKIP: Welcome to beautiful downtown Toledo! After you…Mrs. Granger.
MACKENZIE: I don’t understand why we had to pretend to be married.
SKIP: We’re sharing a room! We don’t want to draw attention to ourselves.
MACKENZIE: And we brought Gloria on our honeymoon?
GLORIA: Why wouldn’t you?
MACKENZIE: Why did you use your real name?
SKIP: I panicked.
MACKENZIE: Oh boy, you’re going to be a TREAT in whatever South American jail we end up in.
SKIP: It’s my first day as a spy.
MACKENZIE: And your last. Joe, we’re in position. Are you ready?
JOE (Over Coms): Roger that. I’ll be ready to override the teleprompter as soon as Bowden takes the stage.
BOWDEN (Over Coms): Make sure you have my lines up on that screen, Joe. I didn’t have time to get off book. I was up all night memorizing my audition piece. I hate not knowing my lines, but big pharma pays better than big brother.
SKIP: Bowden, are you sure you’re ready to go on?
BOWDEN (Over Coms): If there’s one thing you should know about me: I’m always ready to go on. I remember Lee Strasbourg wrote –
Sound: Unplugging a microphone. Static.
MACKENZIE: Oops. Lost him.
GLORIA: You disconnected his mic. I saw you.
MACKENZIE: Oh. Did I? How careless.
Sound: Plugging back in.
BOWDEN (Over Coms, having not stopped talking): …unless that man’s name is Louis B. Meyer.
Sound: The SnapFace machine coming on.
SKIP: So this is the famous SnapFace machine, huh? How long will it take to print the mask?
MACKENZIE: About six hours.
SKIP: Six HOURS? He’s gotta go out there in one.
MACKENZIE (Laughing): God, you are so EASY! You’re like my favorite new play thing. Relax, it only takes a minute.
BOWDEN (On Coms): Bowden here. I’m moving into position. Monitor this channel.
SKIP: Roger that. Good luck.
MACKENZIE: Okay, Bowden, I’m monitoring. Remember, I need a clear, full frontal shot.
BOWDEN (On Coms): That’s just what they told me on the set of Boogie Nights.
GLORIA: You were in Boogie Nights?!?
BOWDEN (On Coms): I was Whalberg’s stunt man.
SKIP: There’s no stunts in that movie…oh God.
BOWDEN (On Coms): Damn straight. Quiet now, I’m at the door.
SECURITY GUY (On Coms): Stop. Who are you? This is a restricted area.
BOWDEN (Eastwood again): I’m the man in charge here.
SECURITY GUY: The general is not to be disturbed.
BOWDEN (Eastwood): Not even for…White Castle?
Sound: The motel door opening.
EL PATO: What is the meaning of this disturbance? DO I…Do I smell cheeseburgers?
BOWDEN: My God, you’re short.
MACKENZIE: God damn, he’s in!
Sound: The printer starts printing.
MACKENZIE: He already got the picture. We’ll have a mask in a matter of moments.
SKIP: How are you going to get it to Bowden?
MACKENZIE: I don’t. The intern does.
MACKENZIE (Adopting a silly voice): Housekeeping. Mints. Fresh towels. (Normal voice) You’ll wheel it in on the maid’s cart. Say the general called for more towels or something.
GLORIA: But what about the general?
MACKENZIE: Those cheeseburgers are laced with a powerful sedative, one bite and The Duck goes night night. Bowden has to strip him of his clothes, so stick him in your cart and cover him wit sheets and towels. Help Bowden get the mask on, then come back here. Bowden hits the stage, Joe does his thing, Bowden gives the worst speech of the general’s career and we all go home.
SKIP: You know, I think this is going to work out just fine.
Scene Change Music.
SKIP: That could not have gone worse.
MACKENZIE: Oh sure it could have. I could be dead.
BOWDEN: I’m not seeing how that’s worse.
Sound: The door bursts open.
ZELDA: WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED OUT THERE?
JOE: INCOMING! GET DOWN! GET DOWN!
GLORIA: No, Joe, shh. It’s okay. We’re not in Iraq.
SKIP: Section Ch-
ZELDA: Not. A. Word. Not one word until you explain this.
Sound: Zelda turns on a TV. On the TV, faint sounds of a crowd cheering.
NEWS ANCHOR CONNIE (On TV): We go now to the “Little San Ontra-Parte” neighborhood of Toledo, Ohio where General Jose Berrada, better known as “The Duck” is set to make his first major address.
NEWS ANCHOR STEVE (On TV): And here comes the man of the hour now. Connie, is it just me or is the general a good foot taller than when we last saw him?
NEWS ANCHOR CONNIE (On TV): I have to agree, Steve. He’s famous for his diminutive stature. Perhaps he’s wearing a new platform shoe? Ah. He’s found the mic.
EL PATO (On TV): Amigos.
NEWS ANCHOR STEVE (On TV): El Pato looking a little uncomfortable here, Connie.
NEWS ANCHOR CONNIE (On TV): Yes, he’s scanning the crowd now. Not exactly sure what he’s waiting for.
EL PATO (On TV) AMIGOS!
CROWD (ON TV): (Cheering)
NEWS ANCHOR CONNIE (On TV): Well, they certainly liked that.
NEWS ANCHOR STEVE (On TV): Such a friendly people.
EL PATO (On TV): Te digo…
NEWS ANCHOR CONNIE (On TV): I say to you…
EL PATO (On TV): Te digo…
NEWS ANCHOR CONNIE (On TV): I say to you..
EL PATO (On TV): No tome Viagra si tiene dolores en el pecho o problemas cardíacos. Si su erección dura más de cuatro horas, consulte a un médico de inmediato.
NEWS ANCHOR CONNIE (On TV): Do not use Viagra if you have a heart condition. If your erection last more than four hours, consult a doctor immediately.
NEWS ANCHOR STEVE (On TV): An unexpected turn here, Connie, as El Pato apparently endorses an erectile dysfunction medication. Most unusual for a staunch anti-capitalist to do a commercial.
Sound: The crowd cheers
NEWS ANCHOR CONNIE (On TV): Even more unusual, Steve, here comes Khloe Kardashian up to the podium and now she’s escorting El Pato off the stage and into what appears to be a plumber’s van.
NEWS ANCHOR STEVE (On TV): Boy, the crowd is really loving this.
Sound: Zelda turns the TV off.
JOE: I gotta take the blame for this one, chief. I was supposed to rig the teleprompter with the revised speech for Bowden to read, but when we got there they were using those new fangled tablets and I didn’t have the right cord. I swear they change those dongles every year just to make my job harder.
SKIP: To look on the bright side, I think we have to really commend Bowden on his improv skills.
BOWDEN: I had that copy down cold. In TWO languages. My God, I’m good. I can’t believe I didn’t book that ad campaign.
SKIP: I’m sure they’re regretting it now.
BOWDEN: Damn straight.
ZELDA: And the cameo from Khloe Kardashian?
MACKENZIE: Well, I couldn’t just leave him up there rambling about what to do when blood rushes out of your head. She was the only face still in the SnapFace memory.
SKIP: Again, on the bright side, the crowd LOVED IT.
GLORIA: And I made $100 in tips for doing turndown service!
ZELDA: Yes, well, speaking of bright sides, El Pato is no longer polling well among the people of San Ontra-Parte and is currently hiding in exile. Khloe Kardashian, however, has a 60% chance of being their next president.
SKIP: The world does need strong women, m’am.
MACKENZIE: I think we should roll with it. You put the real Khloe in some bunker and then disguised as her, I get elected president of San Ontra-Parte! You get an inside woman in South America, and the world is relieved of one Kardashian.
SKIP: I like your ambition, McGrath, but strictly speaking it’s against company policy to work for another government.
MACKENZIE: You know what, I’ve changed my mind about this work release thing. I’d like to go back to jail, please.
ZELDA: No one’s going anywhere. I’ve got at least three global situations brewing and Chet Phillips just put in for another week of vacation. That means you’re my team.
ZELDA: Whether you like it or not.
Music: The theme music.
MISSION VOICE: Mission Rejected was created by Pete Barry, J. Michael DeAngelis and John Dowgin. This episode was written and directed by J. Michael DeAngelis. It starred Chris Klaniecki as Skip Granger, Nazli Sarpkaya as Mackenzie McGrath, Dave Stanger as Bowden Montcrief, Paige Klaniecki as Gloria, Faith Dowgin as Section Chief Zelda Anders, with Kirk White as Chet Phillips and Kevin McGrath as The Mission Voice. Guest Starring were Devin Plantamura as Parking Guy, Jose Maria Bejarano as El Pato, John Dowgin as Joe the Plumber, Bob Killion as the Security Guard, News Caster Steve and the Admiral, Jillian Ivey as News Caster Connie and Ashley Banks as Ocean Girl. Music, sound mixing and editing by Pete Barry, with additional live mixing and sound engineering by Karen Yang. Like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter and Instagram @Mission Rejected. Support us on patreon for exclusive perks, additional audio and more at www.patreon.com/missionrejected. This has been a Porch Room production, copyright 2019 Extraordinary Missions Limited.
Sound: The typical sounds of a dock. The ocean lapping against rocks. The distant bell of a dingy. A seagull’s call. The sounds of a crowd boarding a cruise ship.
OCEAN GIRL: Tickets please. Please have your tickets out and ready at the top of the gangplank.
CHET: Hold that boat! Hold that boat! Coming aboard!
ADMIRAL: Ahoy there, matey!
OCEAN GIRL: Welcome aboard, handsome. What’s the name on the reservation?
CHET: Doe. John Doe.
OCEAN GIRL: Mr…Doe.
CHET: It’s a family name.
ADMIRAL: Welcome to the Ocean Bureau, Mr. Doe. We set sail for adventure and enlightenment!
ADMIRAL: Oh yes! Oh yes! Isn’t that right, Trixie?
OCEAN GIRL: That’s right! The Admiral here has changed my life. I just know he’s going to change yours!
ADMIRAL: Trixie, why don’t you show Mr. Doe to his cabin? In fact, why don’t you put him in the suite right next to yours? You look a little pallid, my friend and the view and fresh sea air from that part of the ship will turn you right around, yes sir. Yes, you just go along with this beauty and the next thing you know, we’ll be on the open seas!
CHET: Well, thank you, Admiral. If you’ll lead the way, miss?
OCEAN GIRL: Follow me, handsome.
Sound: Chet and the girl walk away.
ADMIRAL: Yes. Welcome aboard, Chet Phillips!
Sound: The Admiral chortles manically.
Music: End Stinger