Mission Rejected Transcript – Lord Nero (Bonus Episode)

BOWDEN
I don’t care what Tim Gunn told me on Halloween. I ALWAYS look good in Lyrica and tin foil. It really brings out my eyes. Coming this summer…Bowden Montcrief IS Lord Nero!

(Bowden adopts a “Lord Nero” voice.)

BOWDEN
Bow before me, dwellers of the deep, for I am Lord Nero of the Planet Lesbos! Commander of the darkest fathoms! Holder of the ancient scrolls of Hecate! Destroyer of the Unreachable Dimension! Protector of Thrice Breached Parallel! You have met your undoing this day, for this is my homeland and I. Shall. Not. See. It. FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLL!

(Bowden laughs and takes up his regular voice.)

BOWDEN
Bowden, old man, you should be sitting on all that Iron Man money. And to think I saved Stan Lee from drowning in RDJ’s hot tub once. Ungrateful son of a…

SOUND: The door opens.

GLORIA
Oh, Mr. Montcrief! I didn’t realize anyone was still here…and still in costume.

BOWDEN
Oh. This. Well, I must admit, Gloria, I was just fantasizing what it would be like if I got to star in a Lord Nero movie.

GLORIA
I would pay to see that!

BOWDEN
Gloria, you are so sweet. I’m just being silly.

GLORIA
No, Lord Nero would make a great movie! Especially if they took the story from issues 67-100 of the Crisis on Infinite Lesbos saga.

BOWDEN
You read comic books?

GLORIA
Sure, it was required reading in my Feminist Theory seminar. A prime example of a cis male author saying he’s writing a feminist story, but it basically amounts to porn.

BOWDEN
What issues did you say those were?

GLORIA
It’s too bad you were too busy trying to incriminate Ellsbury in an international money laundering scheme. I hear he’s been chomping at the bit to sell the movie rights since the superhero craze started.

BOWDEN
You really think I could play Lord Nero?

GLORIA
Sure! He’s supposed to have this commanding voice that can hypnotize those inferior to him.

BOWDEN
Commanding, huh? You, uh, I think I’m hypnotic?

GLORIA
I said it only works on his inferiors.

BOWDEN
Touché.

GLORIA
But keep working on it. And keep the costume. It works. The tin foil really brings out your eyes.

SOUND: Door opens and Gloria exits.

BOWDEN
What a woman.

SOUND: Bowden pulls out a chair. He goes to sit. Something crumples horribly.

BOWDEN
Oh, damn. I bent the ancient scrolls.

Closing music.

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