Mission Rejected Transcript – Episode 106 Enter Larry

SOUND: The Admiral’s ship at full steam ahead. A steel drum band plays.

THE ADMIRAL (Over the PA system)
This is the Admiral letting you know that we are now sailing at over five trillion knots per hour! That’s the fastest anyone has ever gone before! I dare you to disprove it.

SOUND: Chet shuts his stateroom window, as we move inside to his room…

CHET
Ahhh. Trixie, you’re the greatest thing that ever happened to me. I’ve never felt so relaxed. I think I’m even…happy.

OCEAN GIRL
Oh, Mr. Doe, it makes me happy as seahorse to hear you say that!

CHET
Trixie, there’s something else I think you should hear. My name isn’t John Doe. That’s just a name I use when I travel. For…security reasons.

OCEAN GIRL
Well, is that what you want me to call you?

CHET
No. I want you to call me by my real name. Chet Phillips.

OCEAN GIRL
Okay. (Deep breath, then in her sing-song way) Chet Phillips. (Giggles) I like it, Chetty.

CHET
And what about you? Is Trixie your real name?

OCEAN GIRL
If you want it to be. (Giggles) Oh Chetty, I’m glad you decided to stay on board. The Admiral is too.

CHET
Yeah, well, I’m not staying for the Admiral.

SOUND: The door opens.

THE ADMIRAL
Nor would I expect you to, dear boy!

SOUND: Chet and Trixie gasp in surprise.

CHET
What are YOU doing here?

OCEAN GIRL
Hello, Admiral! Would you like to join us for some breakfast in bed?

CHET
Ehh…

THE ADMIRAL
No, no. Mastication is no longer required by me, my dear. At my level, nourishment comes from deep within myself. I need only take two shots of fish oil a day to stay sharp and vigorous!

OCEAN GIRL
Fish oil! How wonderful. Become one with the ocean. Will you boys excuse me while I freshen myself up?

THE ADMIRAL
Not at all, Trixie. A clean body leads to a clean mind. Yes, sir.

SOUND: Trixie gets up and goes into the bathroom.

THE ADMIRAL (Singing to himself)
Baby whale…baby whale…do do do do.

CHET
Is there, uh, something you needed Admiral?

THE ADMIRAL
Only to deliver this drone, Mr Doe. They seem to be arriving with some regularity.

CHET
Yeah, I’m sorry about that. I hope I can correct that in the VERY near future.

THE ADMIRAL
No trouble at all, Mr. Doe. No trouble at all! Why, I love drones. I could greet one every morning and it would fill my heart with joy. Yes, sir.  Well, I’ll leave you and Trixie and your drone to it, Mr. Doe.

CHET
Ahoy hoy.

SOUND: The door opens and closes as the Admiral leaves.

CHET
Oh, this damn thing. Alright, alright. What is it this time?

SOUND: A tape recorder clicks on.

MISSION VOICE
Good morning, Chet. The agency has been approached by Kristatos O’Brien, the Greek potato magnate and organized crime boss. He has offered to turn over valuable information regarding the Oceanologists, the maritime themed self-help group recently granted status as a religion. Kristatos has made it clear he will only speak to you. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, and I really don’t see how you can’t, is to meet with O’Brien and deliver the information back to HQ for analysis.

SOUND: Latrine door opens.  The tape clicks off.

OCEAN GIRL
What’s that, Chetty?

CHET
Just a message from work. I told them I’m not coming in. Come back to bed…my little star fish.

MUSIC: Theme song.

ANNOUNCER
Mission: Rejected. The adventures of the Extraordinary Mission Team’s most secret agents…the back ups.  Tonight’s episode: Enter Larry.

SOUND: The familiar beeps of the EMF briefing room.

SKIP
Okay, team, I think we can all agree that our last few missions went a little…pear shaped.

MACKENZIE
I think the words you’re looking for are disaster, fiasco and clusterfu–

BOWDEN
Truly.  I’m fresh out of the hospital after taking an all time pounding from a professional wrestler AND I’m still wrapping my mind around the fact that I got fired by cattle barons.

GLORIA
I’m still wrapping my mind around the fact you have an Emmy!

MACKENZIE
Daytime Emmy.

BOWDEN
I’m sorry, did they forget to call your name at the last Hacker’s Gala?

SKIP
Okay, okay, the past is the past. We have a new mission on our hands. A big one. This is it folks, the chance for redemption.

GLORIA
I believe in us, Agent Granger!

SKIP
Thank you, Gloria! That means a lot.

GLORIA
I’m currently taking the agency’s leadership management course and they say positive reinforcement is the first of ten pillars to building a successful group.

MACKENZIE
The second pillar better be not talking about the other eight pillars.

SKIP
As you know, our colleague Chet Phillips continues to be on an extended leave of absence. The agency, however, has let certain parties believe that Agent Phillips is still out in the field.  Apparently, the world sleeps a little sounder when they don’t know we’re the ones saving the world.

MACKENZIE
Can’t think why.

SKIP
We were recently contacted by Kristatos O’Brien, the infamous crime lord.  O’Brien says he is willing to hand over vital information in exchange for EMF extracting his daughter from the Oceanologists.

MACKENZIE
That wacky cult?

BOWDEN
That totally legitimate RELIGIOUS organization.

MACKENZIE
What’s with you?

BOWDEN
They literally run Hollywood. I need to sit this one out, Skip. I can’t be seen working against the all mighty Zeerox. Praise be his holy name.

MACKENZIE
You don’t really believe that crap do you?

BOWDEN
If anyone from CAA is listening, I absolutely do.

SKIP
Bowden, I hate to make a man go against his religious beliefs, but this mission needs you. I’ve built the entire thing around your talent.

BOWDEN
That’s what Disney said to me about John Carter. I still knew to pass.

SKIP
Kristatos will ONLY hand the information directly to Chet Phillips, currently unavailable for any appearances. If we’re going to get that information, we need someone so utterly convincing in the role, that Kristatos will hand over everything without hesitation.  I need a star.

BOWDEN
That does sound like me.  I suppose if I’m disguised as Chet Phillips, the Oceanologists will never know it was me.  It could be my greatest performance ever.

GLORIA
Even greater than “Man with Umbrella” in that Gieko commercial you did. (Aside – to Mackenzie) Pillar two, subtle motivation.

MACKENZIE
(Groans)

SKIP
We only have a day to get you into the part. Kristatos wants to make the exchange Thursday night.

BOWDEN
This Thursday?

MACKENZIE
Well, if we only have one day to get ready, then yes, I think you can make that leap.

BOWDEN
Impossible. I’m out.

GLORIA
What?

MACKENZIE
Out? You don’t get to be out. We’re the backups. We’re what happens when everyone else is out. We don’t get a choice.

BOWDEN
Well, you don’t get a choice.

MACKENZIE
Pardon?

BOWDEN
You’re doing this as a work release program. I’m a volunteer EMT.

GLORIA
Haha!

SKIP
What’s so funny?

MACKENZIE
Volunteer?

GLORIA
Can’t you hear it? Volunteer EMT?

BOWDEN
Yes, Extraordinary Missions Team. EMT.

SKIP
Oh, now I hear it. That’s unfortunate.

MACKENZIE
Wait. Wait. You volunteer for this? WHY?

BOWDEN
I think it’s my duty as a patriotic American. Also, I love to perform. Still, I gotta sit this one out. Thursday night is my opening in King Lear. I trust you all saw my Facebook invite.

SKIP
Oh..uh..yeah…

MACKENZIE
I don’t use Facebook. Zuckerberg and I have a history.

GLORIA
I’ve been off social media since my Uncle Randy turned out to be a Russian bot.

SKIP
Bowden, look, I know opening night is a big deal for you, but after what happened last mission with the…

GLORIA
The singing whales.

SKIP
Yes. The singing whales.

GLORIA
And the gas station sushi.

SKIP
Yes.

GLORIA
And the MMA fighter…

SKIP
Ok, thanks, Gloria. We got it. Bowden, we need a win. Kristatos O’Brien is one of the most deeply connected figures in the criminal underworld. EMF has long suspected the Oceanologists of having their fingers in a ton of criminal activity, but they could never prove it. This wouldn’t just be a win, it would be the World Series.

BOWDEN
A sports reference, really?

GLORIA
It would be the SAG Awards.

BOWDEN
Oh. Tempting.

GLORIA
Pillar three – speak your team’s language.

BOWDEN
No, no. I just can’t. It’s LEAR for God’s sakes. If it were The Odd Couple – maybe.

MACKENZIE
Come on. As much as I hate to admit it, we do need you. Don’t you have an understudy or something?

BOWDEN
I’ve never let an understudy go on for me in my life.

GLORIA
At times like this, I think of pillar four: be adaptable to new circumstances.

BOWDEN
You know, what Mackenzie, I never thought I’d say this, but you’re right. I’ll tell my understudy he’s on.

SKIP
You’re making the right choice.

GLORIA
I knew you would. You always do. Pillar five – make them think it’s their idea.

MACKENZIE
I’ll have Chief Anders get me Chet’s photo from HR so we can get a mask ready.

SKIP
And I’ve got hours of Chet’s debriefings on my iPod so you can get his voice down.

MACKENZIE
Why do you have those on you iPod?

SKIP
It’s inspirational bedtime listening.

SOUND: A knock at the door.

SKIP
Who is it?

ZELDA (Through the door)
It’s Section Chief Anders.

SKIP
Do you have my Chinese food?

ZELDA (Through door)
Granger. I do not need to give you a passcode for the CONFERENCE ROOM.

SKIP
Do. You. Have. My. Chinese. Food.

ZELDA (Through door, disgusted)
Yes. Two number sevens with extra fish sauce.

SKIP
Thank you. Come in, chief. I’m sorry, but we’ve all gotten very sloppy about our pass phrases and this is a most serious mission.

SOUND: The door unlocks, Zelda enters.

ZELDA
Good morning, everyone.

SKIP
Thank you for remembering to read my pass phrase memo for the day.

ZELDA
Save it.  Have you briefed everyone on the mission?

SKIP
Yes, we were just formulating our plan.

BOWDEN
Zel, what do we know about this Kristatos? And what’s the story with the Oceanologist daughter?

ZELDA
Gloria, bring up his file on the screen.

SOUND: The slide projector comes to life.

GLORIA
Here he is, chief.

ZELDA
Kristatos O’Brien. Son of the legendary queen of crime Athena Tchilkudos and Dylan O’Brien, leader of the non-sanctioned IRA spin-off group The Paddy Whackers.  He’s also the heir to the vast O’Brien Irish Potato fortune, which is what he uses to fund his criminal empire.  We’ve had our eyes on him for years, but we’ve never been able to touch him.

MACKENZIE
What’s an old school mobster like him doing turning state’s evidence?

ZELDA
Rumor has it that Kristatos’s daughter, Athena Jr., got wrapped up in the Oceanologist movement.  They used to be inseparable, but they haven’t been pictured together in over a year.

SKIP
So we think he’s trying to bring down the cult…

BOWDEN
(Coughs disapprovingly)

SKIP
Bring down the totally legitimate religious organization in order to get his daughter back?

ZELDA
It’s a strong motive.

MACKENZIE
What’s with him only wanting to deal with Phillips? I don’t know why anyone would want to waste their time with that square peg.

ZELDA
Agent Phillips has nearly brought down Kristatos on several occasions. The two of them have been playing cat and mouse for years now. It’s my belief that, in his own way, Kristatos respects Agent Phillips. A sort of honor between nemeses.

BOWDEN
Like me and DiCaprio.

ZELDA
Whatever his reasons, I want whatever Kristatos has to offer us. Don’t do anything rash – if he wants assurances we can get his daughter back, placate him until I get an extraction operation together. But the information he’s offering us is invaluable – we can’t get it too soon. If the Oceanologists are hatching some sort of nefarious plot I want to know about it.

SKIP
Ok, then. Let’s get to it.

MUSIC: Transition theme

SOUND: Wharf sounds. The call of a gull. A van door slides open.  Skip, Mackenzie and Gloria enter and the door shuts behind.

SKIP
Everyone in here, we’ll use this van as our base. It’s got a clear view of the meeting point.

MACKENZIE
Why do criminals always choose a wharf for top secret meetings?

GLORIA
Pillar six. Consistency is akin to godliness.

SKIP
Everyone ready?

GLORIA
Ready.

MACKENZIE
Ready, but I have no idea why I have to be here. This mission has NOTHING to do with computers.

SKIP
Because we’re a team, McGrath. We’re stronger together, even if we don’t always see eye to eye. Also, I need you to run the comms system, I can never figure out how to set it up.

MACKENZIE
I really do put the “I” in team.

SKIP
Wait a minute. Where’s Bowden?

GLORIA
Probably trying to make an entrance.

SOUND: The door slides open.

LARRY
Excuse me, are you the secret agents?

SKIP
What? No. What? Secret agents? What secret agents? No secret agents here. Who wants to know?

MACKENZIE
Smooth, Skip.

GLORIA
Come on, get in quick, we can’t be seen by Kristatos.

SOUND: The door shuts.

MACKENZIE
Who are you?

LARRY
Oh, hi, I’m Larry. Bowden sent me over for the job.

SKIP
Bowden? Where is he?

LARRY
Opening night of Lear. Oh, he said he got you all tickets for the Sunday matinee and you can pay him back later.

MACKENZIE
He was supposed to have his understudy go on.

LARRY
Oh, that’s me! Hi, Larry Hastings, Bass-baritone. Here’s my headshot and resume. I’m Mr. Montcrief’s understudy. He said he got himself double booked and that I should go on for him today.

SKIP
IN THE PLAY! NOT THE SECRET MISSION!

LARRY
That’s not the message I got.

MACKENZIE
Here’s a new message for you – go home! You got that, bud?

LARRY
Hey, I know you!

MACKENZIE
What? No you don’t. I’m a top secret government agent. No one knows me.

LARRY
Yes…yes! I know you! You’re pet shop girl!

MACKENZIE
Uhh..

GLORIA
I thought you hated animals.

LARRY
No, no. See, I do Comedy Sports every Thursday at McMeniman’s Pub. It’s an improv show.  Your friend here is a regular. When we ask for suggestions for a location, she always shouts out pet shop.

MACKENZIE
Pet shops are inherently funny.

SKIP
This is amazing! I can’t believe you go to improv shows. And to think, you always turn me down when I invite you to open mic night at The Thirsty Hen.

MACKENZIE
I went once for my stupid sister-in-law’s stupid bachelorette party. I wanted strippers and a boat ride to Mexico, but no, she wanted to go makeup shopping and see improv. Stupid.

GLORIA
But you go every week?

MACKENZIE
Now I like it ironically.

LARRY
Regardless, I’m ready to do this job and I think you can attest to my skills as a performer.

MACKENZIE
Yeah, you’re literally the worst.

LARRY
(Makes a sad noise)

SOUND: A GPS beep.

GLORIA
Kristatos’s car just parked in the lot.

MACKENZIE
Granger, you need to go on for Bowden.

SKIP
ME? Oh no. No, no. Not after what happened at Cassandra Helsinki’s. That operation went so badly it’s awakened past traumas. I’ve been having flashbacks to when I had to play the Inn Keeper in my church Christmas pageant and instead of turning away Mary and Joseph, I gave them the entire hotel and I slept in the manger.

MACKENZIE
Jesus, Skip! Literally JESUS.

SKIP
The next year, I got demoted to being the donkey…

MACKENZIE
SUCK IT UP!

SKIP
I can’t! I can’t! I can’t even remember my name right now. Besides, that mask is never going to fit me.

LARRY
If you don’t mind, Mr. Montcrief and I have the exact same mask size. He insists all his understudies have the same size head or, preferably, slightly smaller.

MACKENZIE
Do you even know what you’re supposed to do?

LARRY
I have the scenario. My character wants some sort of CD-ROM.

MACKENZIE
Data tape.

GLORIA
He’s coming!

SKIP
McGrath, put the mask on him.

MACKENZIE
We’re all going to die.

SOUND: Getting the mask on Larry

SKIP
Get the tape as quickly as possible.  Say as little as possible. Put this micro receiver in your ear and you’ll be able to hear us on the comms.

LARRY
Does Bowden Montcrief use the earpiece?

GLORIA
No, he says no self-respecting actor needs a prompt.

LARRY
Than neither shall I!

GLORIA
Kristatos is at the check point!

MACKENZIE
Put this thing in your ear or I will shove it up your ass. Go. Stand under the broken street lamp.  Kristatos will approach you.

SKIP
He’s going to ask you if this wharf collects rain water run off.  You say “Yes, but the rain in Spain stays mainly in the plane.”

LARRY
Ah. Hello, Dolly.  Classic.

SKIP
What? No!

SOUND: The door opening.

LARRY
That’s my cue. Enter Larry.

SOUND: Larry exits, the door shuts.

MACKENZIE
My mother was right. I AM going to die working under the pier.

MUSIC: Transition theme

SOUND: Water laps against the wharf. Larry’s footsteps approaching Kristatos.

KRISTATOS
Good afternoon. A rather wet day we’re having.  Tell me – does this wharf collect rainwater run off?

LARRY
Yes, but the rain in Spain stays mainly in…uh…I’m going to start again.

KRISTATOS
Ehh…

LARRY
Yes, but the rain in Spain stays mainly in…uh…chow main.

KRISTATOS
Excuse me?

SOUND: Larry coughs violently.

SKIP (Over Comms)
IN THE PLANE!

LARRY
I’m sorry. I have a cold.

SKIP (Over Comms)
And you’re supposed to be using Chet Phillips voice!

LARRY (Suddenly in a French accent)
I meant to zay ze rain in Spain stays mainly in le plane.

KRISTATOS
I see.  Are you all right, Mr. Phillips?

LARRY
But of course! I am ze great Chet Phillips! Now, I believe you have a package for me?

MACKENZIE (Over comms)
What in God’s name is he doing?

GLORIA (Over comms)
His resume says that Larry was last seen as Lumiere in a community theater production of Beauty and the Beast.

KRISTATOS
Why are you using that terrible French accent?

LARRY
Why are you not? Zey are always listening.

SKIP (Over comms)
Good cover, Larry. Now get that tape.

LARRY
We mustn’t give ourselves away to our many friends, non?

KRISTATOS
Yes, I suppose caution is advisable. Perhaps we should continue this conversation somewhere more private.  My car, perhaps?

LARRY
No, no. This spot has a certain je ne sais quoi. 

KRISTATOS
The tape, yes. I have it and I can prove what they are doing to the both of us. But I require my payment.

LARRY
Just give me ze tape and we shall say adieu.

KRISTATOS
Agent Phillips…I have always hated you, but you are acting strange even for you. Tell me, my old friend – do you remember how I bested you in Malta?

MACKENZIE (Over comms)
Malta? Please tell me you have all of Chet Phillip’s greatest missions memorized, Skip!

SKIP (Over comms)
Well, not the classified ones! I gotta think. Larry, improvise while I figure this out.

LARRY (Back to his normal voice)
Okay, I need a location.

KRISTATOS
Pardon?

LARRY
Shout out a location. Any one will do.

MACKENZIE (On comms)
Oh God, he’s playing Comedy Sports.

KRISTATOS
I’m not following you. Do you know the location of my daughter?

LARRY
Just say the name of a location!

MACKENZIE (On comms)
Pet shop!

LARRY
Oh, that old chestnut. Fine, let’s say the location is a pet store.

KRISTATOS
Okay…

LARRY
Now I need an object.  Any old object.

KRISTATOS
A…potato?

LARRY
Excellent! See, you’re getting the hang of it! A potato and a pet shop! Now, whatever I say, you say “Yes and”

KRISTATOS
And what?

LARRY
No, no, we haven’t started yet.  Ready and…SCENE! Hello, shop keep, I would like to return this potato!

KRISTATOS
I thought you said this was a pet shop!

LARRY
No. Yes AND.

KRISTATOS
AND WHAT?

LARRY
And if you don’t give me my money back, I’ll go to the authorities!

KRISTATOS
Mr. Phillips, you are the authorities!

LARRY
You just aren’t getting this.

KRISTATOS
I don’t know what kind of twisted game you are playing, but you are going to tell me how me how I escaped from you in Malta RIGHT NOW.

MACKENZIE (On comms)
Here we go…pear-shaped.

SKIP (On coms)
Larry, you have to abort! It’s too dangerous. Abort.

LARRY
A great actor never walks off before the performance is finished!

KRISTATOS
You are not Chet Phillips! Who are you? Are you one of them? Did the admiral send you? I’ll kill you before I let them take me!

SOUND: Kristatos pulls a knife.

LARRY
Oh, a knife! I didn’t realize we were going to do prop comedy.

SKIP (On comms)
ABORT!

KRISTATOS
One last chance! You tell me who you are or I will peel you like a potato!

LARRY
I AM Special Agent Chet Phillips and I want that tape!

KRISTATOS
Imposter! You are not getting this information!

LARRY
En guard!

SOUND: A struggle. A knife plunges into Larry’s stomach.  Larry lets out a gasp.

GLORIA (Over Comms)
Larry! Oh, Skip, he’s been stabbed!

SKIP (Over Comms)
Oh my God.  Hang tight, buddy.

LARRY
Oh. I am slain.

KRISTATOS
You are TERRIBLE.

SOUND: Kristatos runs off.  Skip, Gloria and McKenzie’s footsteps approach, running in from the opposite direction.

SKIP
Larry! Larry, are you all right?

MACKENZIE
Kristatos is getting away!

GLORIA
There’s so much blood! Miss McGrath, help me get this Chet mask off him.

SOUND: The mask coming off.

SKIP
We need an ambulance.

LARRY
No.

MACKENZIE
Skip, I have to go after that data tape!

SKIP
We have to help Larry!

LARRY
No. I…got the tape.

SKIP
How?

LARRY
When he stabbed me.  It exposed his inside coat pocket. Just some basic slight of hand I picked up playing Fagan in Oliver.

MACKENZIE
Larry, you are a God damn hero.

SOUND: Larry coughs painfully.

SKIP
Gloria, call in a medical team. I’m losing him.

MUSIC: “Amazing Grace” begins to play softly, growing in volume and emotion throughout the following.

LARRY
Do not weep for me, friends.  It is a far, far better thing I do then I have ever done before. It is a far better resting place I go to than I have ever known.

GLORIA
Dickens.

SKIP
Star Trek II.

SOUOND: Another painful cough from Larry.

MACKENZIE
Hang on, Larry.  Don’t you go to sleep on me now. Who am I gonna heckle at Comedy Sports if you die?

LARRY
To die.  To sleep.  To sleep perchance to dream – ay, there’s the rub, for in this sleep of death what dreams may come.

GLORIA
My God, Larry, that’s so beautiful.

LARRY
Death is inside the folding cots: it spends its life sleeping on the slow mattresses, in the black blankets, and suddenly breathes out: it blows out a mournful sound that swells the sheets, and the beds go sailing toward a port where death is waiting, dressed like an admiral.

MACKENZIE (In quiet awe)
Larry.

LARRY
The rest is silence.

SOUND: Larry takes his last breath.

MACKENZIE
(Lets out a small sob.)

SKIP
Good night, sweet prince.

GLORIA
He really was a great actor.

LARRY
No. He wasn’t.

SOUND: The music stops with a record scratch. Everyone gasps.

SKIP
Larry?

SOUND: A mask peeling off.

BOWDEN
No.  Larry is a hack. What little talent he has he gets from aping me.

MACKENZIE
BOWDEN? So you were acting as Larry…as Chet?

BOWDEN
The double disguise.  If you think wearing one mask is hot, try wearing TWO! Eat your heart out, Laurence Oliver. Pillar Seven – Always have a backup plan.

GLORIA
(Swoons)

MACKENZIE
I know we just watched a man fake die, but I want to kill him.

SKIP
How did you survive being stabbed?

BOWDEN
Kevlar vest.  We’re spies, Skip. Do you not wear one?

SKIP
Well, uh…I didn’t know it was an option.

BOWDEN
You gotta get a better agent, kid.

MACKENZIE
But all the blood!

BOWDEN
Corn syrup with red number five, mint flavoring and just a HINT of creme de cacao. My own special blend.  When Judi Dench was doing her Medea at the RSC, she used to have me air freight it to her.

MACKENZIE
You are so full of crap.

SKIP
But…why did you disguise yourself as Larry? I don’t get it.

BOWDEN
If there’s one thing my father taught me, it’s never trust a Greek who drinks Bailey’s Irish Cream. Something didn’t feel right about Kristatos. Chet Phillips has been chasing this guy forever. Why would he turn down the chance to bring him in? As an actor, I reached inside the psyche of Chet Phillips and there was only one conclusion – he must have assumed Kristatos couldn’t be trusted. He wasn’t really going to hand over the data. If he had it at all, I was going to have to steal it off him and the best way to have physical contact with someone is to either bed them or attack them.  Kristatos didn’t strike me as the wooing type, so I needed him to fight me.

GLORIA
So you tanked the mission to make him suspicious!

BOWDEN
And since I knew YOU knew that I could never put on a performance that was anything other than stellar, I needed to come at it from a whole new angle.

SKIP
Enter Larry.

BOWDEN
Precisely, Skip.

GLORIA
But, what about your opening night? Lear!

BOWDEN
The real Larry went on in my place, but I got the theater to push the press opening back until the Sunday matinee. It’s probably just as well for me.  If I know Larry, he’s probably forgotten his lines half a dozen times by now and is attempting to cover by doing old Monty Python bits.  No matter what I do on Sunday, I’ll look brilliant by comparison.

GLORIA
You magnificent son of a bitch.

BOWDEN
Right back at you. Come on, kid. I owe you a sushi dinner. Get that tape back to Zelda, Skip. Fate of the world might depend on it.  Oh – and see you all Sunday.

SKIP
Yes, sir!  Front row, center!

MACKENZIE
This makes NO SENSE. You came up with this entire plan because your acting sense told you Chet didn’t come because he didn’t believe Kristatos? Maybe Chet Phillips just met a super hot chick on vacation and doesn’t feel like getting out of bed!

BOWDEN
Oh I don’t think so.

MACKENZIE
Does no one else want to kill him!?

BOWDEN
Many have tried, Mac. Many have tried.

SOUND: Bowden and Gloria walk off.

SKIP
That Montcrief is one slick operator.

MACKENZIE
I’m sick of him.

SKIP
McGrath…

MACKENZIE
SICK OF HIM. I can’t believe that for a moment, just a MOMENT, I thought maybe he was noble when he stayed behind on the cattle barons mission.

SKIP
I think that emotions are running a little high after what we just went through. When you cool down –

MACKENZIE
Don’t tell me how I feel. I AM sick of him! I’m sick of his stupid show biz stories and I’m sick of Chet Phillips and his rejected missions and of team work and the whole stupid Extraordinary Missions Force.

SKIP
I hope you don’t mean that. I know you’re mad. You have every right to be. You’re right, it would have been better for the team if Bowden told us his plan.

MACKENZIE
Save it, Skip. Pillar one of one – McGrath does what’s good for McGrath.

SOUND: McGrath walks away.

SKIP (Sadly)
Go team.

MUSIC: Transition theme.

SOUND: The familiar beeps of the briefing room.

ZELDA
Agent Granger, I can hardly believe I’m saying this, but that was exemplary work getting the data tape.

SKIP
It was a group effort, m’am.  I’m only sorry that Kristatos got away before we could question him.

ZELDA
You and me both.  Agent Granger, what I’m about to show you is beyond top secret.  I have to ask that, for the time being at least, you don’t share this with anyone. Not even with members of your team.

SKIP
Not even McGrath? She could use a show of trust right now.

ZELDA
Not even her.

SKIP
What’s going on, Chief Anders?

SOUND: Zelda brings up the data tape on a screen with the projector.

ZELDA
The information on the tape you recovered wasn’t exactly what we thought it would be.

SKIP
It wasn’t information on the Oceanologists?

SOUND: Slide change

ZELDA
This appears to be some sort of accounting ledger of money flowing out of Kristatos’ accounts. The recipients might look familiar.

SOUND: Slide change.

ZELDA
General Jose Barratta.

SKIP
The Duck!

SOUND: Slide change.

ZELDA
Hannah Brandt and Marcus Ellsbury.

SOUND: Slide change.

ZELDA
The cattle barons.

SOUND: Slide change.

ZELDA
Cassandra Helsinki and the firm of Sherman Sherman Sherman Damrow and Sherman. And…

SOUND: Slide change.

SKIP
Lt. Valerian?

SOUND: Slide change.

ZELDA
It goes on and on. That we were able to curtail any of their activities – even by accident – seems like a miracle. Kristatos has been wiring them money just before we close in on them.

SKIP
What’s any of this have to do with a cult like Oceanology?

ZELDA
Unknown. It’s possible that Montcrief was right – Kristatos may have just been using that as lure to get to Phillips. All I know for sure is nearly every person or organization on our watch list is in this ledger.

SKIP
But why? And how?

ZELDA
The why I don’t know yet.  As for how, there’s only one thing that makes sense.  An inside job.

SKIP
An Extraordinary Missions agent leaking information? That’s impossible! No one here would do that.

ZELDA
An agent or one of our contracted team members.

SKIP
No! Whoever got this list had to have extremely high level security clearance.

ZELDA
Or maybe a high level computer hacker with an axe to grind.

SKIP
Chief. I don’t believe it.

ZELDA
Think about it, Agent Granger. She’s a known criminal and she’s working here against her will. I think our inside man is

SOUND: Slide change.

SKIP
Mackenzie McGrath.

MUSIC: End credits theme.

MISSION: VOICE
Mission: Rejected was created by Pete Barry, J. Michael DeAngelis and John P. Dowgin. This episode was written by J. Michael DeAngelis and directed by J. Michael DeAngelis and Pete Barry.  It starred Chris Klaniecki as Skip Granger, Nazli Sarpkaya as Mackenzie McGrath, Dave Stanger as Bowden Montcrief, Paige Klaniecki as Gloria, Faith Dowgin as Section Chief Zelda Anders, with Kirk While as Chet Phillips and Kevin McGrath as The Mission Voice. Guest starring Ashley Banks as Ocean Girl, J. Michael DeAngelis as Larry Hastings, Pete Barry as Kristatos O’Brien and Bob Killion as The Admiral.  Music, sound editing and mixing by Pete Barry with additional recording by Karen Yang. Like us on Facebook, follow us on Twitter and Instagram @MissionRejected and support us on Patreon at www.patreon.com/missionrejected for exclusive content, bonus audio and more. This has been a Porch Room production, copyright 2019 Extraordinary Missions Limited.

SOUND: A theater audience applauds. We are mid-performance of King Lear.

GLOUCESTER
The trick of that voice I do well remember. Is’t not the king?

LARRY
Aye, every inch a king! When I do stare, see how the subject quakes.  I pardon that man’s life. What was thy cause? Adultery? Thou shalt not die; die for adultery? No! Uh…uh…No! Line!

GLOUCESTER
The wren…

LARRY
The, uh…

GLOUCESTER
The WREN

LARRY
The, uh, wren is…probably pining for the fjords!

GLOUCESTER
Pining for the fjords?

LARRY
Yes, uh, beautiful bird the Norwegian wren.  Beautiful plumage.

GLOUCESTER
You’re terrible.

LARRY
All right…can someone give me a location?

SOUND: Booing.

MUSIC: End tag.

LARRY
Exit Larry.

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