Mission: Rejected Transcript – Episode 102 The Con is On

SOUND: SEAGULLS, ISLAND MUSIC, OCEAN WAVES. STEEL DRUMS PLAYING.

THE ADMIRAL (Over the PA System)

Good morning, mateys! Join me on the poop deck for morning calisthenics, followed by our famous all you can eat bacon buffet!

CHET

Man oh man oh man. This cruise is just what that ol’ Chet-inator needed.

OCEAN GIRL

Excuse me, Mister Doe? John Doe?

CHET

Oh, right– What can I do you for?

OCEAN GIRL

The Admiral asked me to bring you this insanely small recording device. It was delivered to the ship this morning by drone.

CHET

Ah, darn it. The office just won’t leave me alone, know how it is?

OCEAN GIRL

I don’t know. The ocean is my office. The open water is my cubicle, the currents are my middle managers, and every swimming soul from the blue whale to the narwhal is my co-worker.

CHET

You are one spooky chick.

OCEAN GIRL

How are you enjoying your cruise?

CHET

We’re out of mimosas, but otherwise? Peachy.

OCEAN GIRL

More mimosas coming right up!

CHET

I love it here. Should probably see what this recording is, though…

SOUND: CLICK.

MISSION VOICE (On Tape)

Good morning, Chet. The woman in this picture is Hannah Brandt, better known to the European underworld as ‘Die Geliebte Des Geldes’: the Mistress of Money. Over the past decade, Brandt has masterminded the transfer of millions of Euros, Kroner, Leks, and Francs into US Dollars on behalf of crime syndicates and terrorist organizations. Last week, she was spotted at the Frankfurt Comic Book Convention passing documents to famous comics writer Marcus Ellsbury. Ellsbury will attend the Asbury Park Comic Fest in New Jersey this weekend. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to locate Ellsbury at this festival and ascertain precisely what Brandt gave–

SOUND: CLICK.

CHET PHILLIPS

A comic book convention? In Jersey? I’m Chet Phillips! I’m a buff Jason Bourne-movie Matt Damon, not a chunky Kevin Smith-movie Matt Damon! Worst. Mission. Ever. Pass.

SOUND: THE THEME SONG

MISSION VOICE

Mission: Rejected! The story of the world’s most secret agents – the backups. Tonight’s episode…The Con is On.

SOUND: SKIP GRUNTING AND STRAINING WITH SOMETHING

SKIP

Man… come on, why won’t this hike up over my… Gloria!?

GLORIA (over intercom)

Yes, Agent Granger?

SKIP

I need you to do something for me.

GLORIA

Ooh! Is this a test?

SKIP GRANGER

Yes! A super secret spycraft sneaking test! I need you to come in to my office, but never look at me!

GLORIA

Mission accepted! Wait, this isn’t like that Sandra Bullock movie, is it?

SKIP GRANGER

Decidedly not.

SOUND: DOOR OPENS

GLORIA

OK, mission protocol activated! Eyes shut, I’m moving in on the target…

SKIP GRANGER

Good Gloria, good…

GLORIA

Wow. This is harder than it looks…

SKIP GRANGER

I’m going to hand you a box. I need you to bring it to Tyrone in requisitions. He sent me the wrong package, but I’m not in any position to go down there myself.

GLORIA

Where is…

SKIP GRANGER

I’m handing it to you now, to your left. A little…

GLORIA

Can you move to your right maybe–

SKIP GRANGER

Um, no, that won’t–

GLORIA

I can’t… is that the box?

SKIP GRANGER

That’s the desk, reach higher.

GLORIA

I’m sorry, I’m going to just peek–

SKIP GRANGER

NO GLORIA DON’T OPEN YOUR–

GLORIA

OH MY GOD.

SKIP GRANGER

— EYES there it is.

GLORIA

AGENT GRANGER I’M SORRY!

SKIP GRANGER

It’s fine Gloria, just–

GLORIA

IF YOU WANT I’LL NEVER OPEN MY EYES AGAIN.

SKIP GRANGER

Oh come on, it’s not that bad…

GLORIA

OK. I’m OK. But Agent Granger, why are you only wearing pajama bottoms that don’t fit past your calves?!?!

SKIP GRANGER

These aren’t pajamas! This is supposed to be a superhero costume–

GLORIA

Oh, it’s not!

SKIP GRANGER

I KNOW IT’S NOT. It was supposed to be made to my specific measurements–

GLORIA

Oh, it’s not!

SKIP GRANGER

YES, GLORIA. Thank you. Look. I’m just going to have to work myself out of this…

GLORIA

OH LORD YOU’RE STUCK IN THOSE PANTS, AREN’T YOU?

SKIP GRANGER

YOU SAID YOU’D KEEP YOUR EYES CLOSED!

GLORIA

I’M SORRY IT’S LIKE THAT TIME THE TRAIN NEAR MY SCHOOL DERAILED, WE KNEW WE SHOULDN’T LOOK BUT STILL!

SKIP GRANGER

Just go back to your office.

GLORIA

THANK YOU.

SKIP GRANGER

And give me some time, I have an hour until the team shows up.

GLORIA

OK. I’ll do that. I need to send out the company-wide email reminding everyone to set their clocks back an hour for Daylight Savings Time anyway.

SKIP GRANGER

OK, you go do that WAIT WHAT?!

BOWDEN

Happy Fall Back day, Skip, you old GREAT SCOTT!

SKIP GRANGER

Bowden, wait, I can explain, just don’t let McGrath–

MACKENZIE

Don’t let me what WHY WHY WHY OH MERCIFUL GOD WHY!

SKIP GRANGER

It’s a mistake, requisitions sent me someone else’s package–

MACKENZIE

DO NOT SAY PACKAGE AT THIS MOMENT!

SKIP GRANGER

I tried it on, now I’m here, now I’ll get out of it. Though… why don’t you guys just bring me my overcoat for now.

SOUND: SKIP PUTS ON AN OVERCOAT.

SKIP GRANGER (CONT’D)

That’s better.

MACKENZIE

That’s better than better.

SKIP GRANGER

I’m sure requisitions mixed up my sizes with someone else’s.

SOUND: DOOR OPENS

GLORIA

Agent Granger, requisitions just confirmed they got your sizes one correct. They’re suggesting your thirty two inch waist is… wait, I wrote it down… ‘a fantasy of Rowling-esque proportions.’

SKIP GRANGER

You tell them I’ll be down later and we will discuss it further.

GLORIA

Maybe change first. Hello Miss McGrath. Hello Mister Montcrief.

BOWDEN

Hello Gloria, that’s a lovely shade of lip gloss you’re wearing today.

GLORIA

Oh, thank you. It’s supposed to be darker but I’ve been applying it sparingly so as not to use up the promotional sample.

BOWDEN

It suits you.

GLORIA

Hmmmmmmmmmmm. Anyway. OK. So I’m…

SKIP GRANGER

You were going, Gloria.

GLORIA

Right. As opposed to coming. Gotcha. Requisitions, you, waistline fight. I remember now.

SKIP GRANGER

And turn the projector on as you go!

SOUND: THE PROJECTOR TURNS ON, DOOR CLOSES

MACKENZIE

OK. Now that this morning’s Bachelor audition tape is wrapped–

BOWDEN

What? I just told her I liked her lip gloss.

MACKENZIE

Your innocence and Skip’s waistline are both up for Hugo Awards.

BOWDEN

Are those like Golden Globes? I’d never stoop to accept a Golden Globe. A Kid’s Choice award, now–

MACKENZIE

ANYWAY. Let’s tackle the elephant in this office. Skip, why are you wearing too-small tights?

SKIP GRANGER

Because we’re going here.

MACKENZIE

The Asbury Park Comics Fest?

BOWDEN

The Jersey Shore? No thank you, it’s the twenty-first century, I can get all the Fentanyl and amateur porn I want online.

SKIP GRANGER

We’re looking for this man, Marcus Ellsbury.

BOWDEN

Ah, a writer.

SKIP GRANGER

You know his work?

BOWDEN

No, he just looks sad.

SKIP GRANGER

This time last week, Ellsbury was at a similar convention in Frankfurt, Germany.

MACKENZIE

Ooh! Are we investigating David Hasselhoff?

SKIP GRANGER

We’re not investigating ‘the Hoff’, as the kids today call him. We’re interested in this woman, who was seen with Ellsbury in Frankfurt. Hannah Brandt, aka Die Geliebte Des Geldes.

BOWDEN

The Great Aunt and the Gelding?

SKIP GRANGER

Nnnnnno. ‘The Mistress of Money’.

MACKENZIE

DuoLingo sure is free.

SKIP GRANGER

Brandt is the queen of international money laundering. Last week she was seen passing an envelope to Ellsbury in Frankfurt, after which she fell of the face of the earth.

MACKENZIE

Any idea what’s in the envelope?

SKIP GRANGER

None. That’s what we’re going to find out. Ellsbury was not going to attend the Asbury Park festival this year–

BOWDEN

So the man does have some taste.

MACKENZIE

You ever have a Jersey shore zeppoli?

BOWDEN

That sounds like something you do in prison for an extra twenty.

SKIP GRANGER

Ellsbury was not going to attend the festival, but twenty minutes after his meeting with Brandt, he called the organizers to register at the last minute.

bOWDEN

So good old Liebes Gelding must have convinced him to do so.

MACKENZIE

Meaning that envelope is certainly bound for the home of the Boss.

BOWDEN

Chief Anders is from New Jersey?

MACKENZIE

NO. THE BOSS. ASBURY PARK. ARE YOU EVEN A REAL AMERICAN?

BOWDEN

I am, but don’t tell the IRS.

SKIP GRANGER

Ellsbury only booked one day at the Fest. That gives us our opening.

MACKENZIE

Speaking of openings, watch that overcoat, Skip.

SKIP GRANGER

OK, ON TO THE PLAN!

SOUND: DOOR OPENS

GLORIA

Agent Granger? Requisitions say if you come see them this afternoon, they’ll be more than happy to outfit you with an appropriately sized superhero costume.

MACKENZIE

THAT’S what that’s supposed to be?!

SKIP GRANGER

A correctly sized, one, they mean.

GLORIA

OK, sure.

SKIP GRANGER

Tell them Agents Montcrief and McGrath will be with me, too, to be sized for their costumes.

MACKENZIE

Our what?

SKIP GRANGER

That’s right. We’re going undercover at a comic book convention. Now. Here’s the plan.

SOUND: MUSICAL TRANSITION INTO A LARGE CONVENTION HALL, GENERAL CHATTER

SKIP GRANGER

Ahhh. My Granger sense is tingling.

MACKENZIE

If you don’t swear that’s the last time I hear ‘Granger’, ‘sense’, and ‘tingling’ all together like that, I’m going back to prison.

SKIP GRANGER

McGrath! Your costume looks–

MACKENZIE

Zip it.

SKIP GRANGER

What? You look–

MACKENZIE

This character is supposed to be an Amazon princess? A paragon of feminine strength? IN A METAL BRA?

SKIP GRANGER

It’s not real metal, is it?

MACKENZIE

I’ve felt less exposed in OB-GYN offices. What kind of sexually stunted incel thinks this is a strong woman’s outfit?

SKIP GRANGER

William Moulton Marston, apparently.

MACKENZIE

Ugh, I knew it had to be someone with three names!

SKIP GRANGER

Did the costume work?

MACKENZIE

Yeah. I waltzed into the conference IT director’s room like I owned the place.

SKIP GRANGER

So you were able to–

MACKENZIE

In three clicks. Security here is non-existent, it’s amazing anything has gone on as scheduled.

SKIP GRANGER

So your sacrifice is worth it.

MACKENZIE

Especially when I gave the conference IT director my number.

SKIP GRANGER

You did?

MACKENZIE

Yep. Except I gave him your number.

SKIP GRANGER

How did you get my phone -– wait! Here comes our target, Ellsbury.

ELLSBURY

… COMPLETELY unacceptable, this booth is nowhere close to the location I requested!

WALLACE

My apologies, sir, you were a last minute addition to the schedule.

ELLSBURY

But when I registered, you said I’d be right next to artist’s row!

MACKENZIE

… and he was, until I got a hold of his reservation. Heh.

WALLACE

I’m truly sorry, sir, here’s the number for conference management if you’d like to take it up with them.

ELLSBURY

I certainly will, and I’ll be sure to tell them… what’s your name?

WALLACE

Wallace, sir.

ELLSBURY

I’ll be sure to tell them how singularly unhelpful you have been!

MACKENZIE

Wow. I thought comic book writers were supposed to be champions of the little guy. This douche is a mashup of ‘do you know who I am’ and ‘can I speak to the manager’?

SKIP GRANGER

Could be nerves. If he’s doing a job for Brandt and something’s been disrupted, then… wait! Look!

MACKENZIE

He’s dialing his phone. Probably calling management to complain.

SKIP GRANGER

No, he stuffed the card Wallace gave him in his pocket, he’s calling someone else.

(dials phone)

Bowden, we need you to move in.

BOWDEN

(on phone)

I’ve got this.

SKIP GRANGER

He’s coming out of the men’s room.

MACKENZIE

OK, suddenly I feel way better about what I’m wearing.

SKIP GRANGER

But look at him, he’s so… self-possessed. Confident.

MACKENZIE

Of course he is, he’s an actor, he doesn’t know any better.

BOWDEN

(playing a role)

Um, excuse me, sorry, are you Marcus Ellsbury?

ELLSBURY

What, I’m sorry, I have to make this phone call-

BOWDEN

You are! Marcus Ellsbury!

ELLSBURY

Listen, bub, I’m terribly sorry, but… wait, are you dressed as–

BOWDEN

I sure am! This is my Lord Nero of Planet Lesbos cosplay!

ELLSBURY

My first published comic! My goodness! And it’s very authentic!

BOWDEN

I take pride in my work.

ELLSBURY

Where did you find those vintage roller skates? And it’s the exact right shade of eyeshadow, too!

BOWDEN

Ebay on the skates, Sephora on the eyeshadow! No expense is too great for my comic hero! Let me shake your hand!

ELLSBURY

And I yours! I’m sorry, though, I do need to make this call, please come to my talk this afternoon in galleria F. ‘Feminism in comics, the male perspective’.

BOWDEN

I wouldn’t miss it for the world!

(beat, back to Bowden)

OK, I did it. When I shook his hand, I managed to slip the device onto his phone.

SKIP GRANGER

Good job!

MACKENZIE

That costume is something, Bowden.

BOWDEN

Please. Compared to my costume when I did Rocky Horror in Denmark? I look like Tipper Gore in this thing.

SKIP GRANGER

Quiet, he’s dialing! McGrath, you’re sure this is going to work?

MACKENZIE

It better, it’s the same device that got me twenty-five to life for listening in on Wall Street orders.

TYBORG

(over a device)

Is this Ellsbury?

ELLSBURY

(over the same device)

Yes. There’s been a change of plan. I’m no longer at the expected booth near artist’s row.

TYBORG

(over a device)

This complicates the handoff. Sort it out. Or there will be consequences.

ELLSBURY

(over a device)

Consequences? What sort of–

SOUND: CLICK.

SKIP GRANGER

A handoff. Probably of the package Brandt gave him in Frankfurt.

MACKENZIE

Frankfurt, packages, money laundering, this is like an actual spy mission.

SKIP GRANGER

Did you isolate the location of the other party’s phone?

MACKENZIE

The call was too short, all I can see is that it’s in the building.

SKIP GRANGER

Good enough, let’s tail Ellsbury.

SOUND: MUSICAL INTERLUDE INTER GENERAL CONFERENCE CHATTER

MACKENZIE

Granger, Montcrief, this is McGrath, I’m in position, I’ve got a bead on Ellsbury, he’s–

JIMMY

Well hey there, sweetie.

MACKENZIE

Gonna need a second here, guys. Do I know you?

JIMMY

No, but I drew you. Jimmy Serafilio, comic book artist extraordinaire. I know your outfit pretty well, I drew it from oh-six to oh-nine.

MACKENZIE

I’ll take your word for it.

JIMMY

You wear it very, very well, too, if I may say.

MACKENZIE

You may not.

JIMMY

Well, I did anyway.

MACKENZIE

Ohhhhkay. One of those.

JIMMY

So later on, this convention is honoring me, there’s going to be a big retrospective of my work. Might I be able to convince you to attend?

SKIP GRANGER

(over device)

McGrath, is everything OK? Are you tailing Ellsbury?

MACKENZIE

Yep, and I picked up my own tail.

JIMMY

Oh, is that your boyfriend?

MACKENZIE

Dude, I really have someplace I have to–

JIMMY

Sure, you cosplay girls are all the same, dress for the attention until you get it. Catch you later.

SKIP GRANGER

McGrath, everything OK?

MACKENZIE

Am I sanctioned to murder people on these missions?

SKIP GRANGER

Are you kidding? Anders won’t even reimburse me for parking.

MACKENZIE

Anyway. I’m on Ellsbury. He’s meeting someone, shaking hands…

BOWDEN

(over device)

Just a fan, it looks like.

SKIP GRANGER

Montcrief, you’re on Ellsbury, too?

BOWDEN

(over device)

Yep, from the opposite end of the hall, Chili Dog Stand.

MACKENZIE

Don’t fill up on those, you don’t want to bust out of your costume.

BOWDEN

(over device)

I once had a costume malfunction at the Kennedy Center, flashed Rosalynn Carter full frontal. There was a complimentary can of peanuts in my dressing room the next day.

MACKENZIE

Hold the phone. Ellsbury has stopped again.

BOWDEN

(over device)

Could be another fan encounter…

MACKENZIE

No, he just took something out of his man purse.

BOWDEN

(over device)

That’s a satchel.

MACKENZIE

Not on him it’s not. It’s a manila envelope–

SKIP GRANGER

Brandt gave him a manila envelope in Frankfurt! You’ve got to move in–

BOWDEN

(over device)

Hold the phones, he’s got two manila envelopes.

SKIP GRANGER

Two?

MACKENZIE

He’s right, there are two.

SKIP GRANGER

That’s unexpected.

MACKENZIE

Yeah, the man Ellsbury is talking to agrees. He’s pissed.

BOWDEN

(over device)

Agreed, he’s “Alec Baldwin parking” angry.

SKIP GRANGER

Ellsbury must have strayed from the plan.

MACKENZIE

Wait! We can listen in through the device we planted on the phone–

SOUND: THE DEVICE TUNING IN….

ELLSBURY

(over device)

— don’t trust Brandt any further than I can throw her, so this is my insurance policy. I have two envelopes here and only I know which one you want.

TYBORG

(over device)

You should have worked out your issues in Frankfurt. This puts me in a very difficult position.

ELLSBURY

(over device)

Only difficult if you weren’t going to pay me. I want the money in my account by noon. Then we’ll arrange a handoff.

SOUND: THE DEVICE CUTS OUT

BOWDEN

(over device)

Ellsbury’s going in one direction, his contact in the other.

SKIP GRANGER

McGrath, try to get close enough snap a picture of the contact.

MACKENZIE

On it.

SOUND: MUSICAL INTERLUDE

RANDO 1

Diana! Lemme get a picture, Diana?!

MACKENZIE

JESUS CHRISTMAS DON’T YOU TROGLODYTES GET ENOUGH FREE PORN ONLINE?!

RANDO 2

Free porn ain’t saucy like you!

MACKENZIE

Granger, you owe me for this BIG.

Ellsbury’s contact has stopped, he’s looking over a booth of comic books.

SKIP GRANGER

(over device)

Can you sneak in for a pic?

MACKENZIE

I think so. He hasn’t noticed me. He’s totally engrossed in–

JIMMY

So, I see you couldn’t get enough of me after all?

MACKENZIE

Oh, no. Not you again.

JIMMY

It’s my booth, you turned up here, you’re the one doing the work to find me–

MACKENZIE

Hold that thought. And please, nothing else.

SOUND: PICS BEING SNAPPED.

JIMMY

Wow, I didn’t think you had any taste.

MACKENZIE

What’s that supposed to mean?

JIMMY

Just that not a lot of people outside of the industry know who Julius Tyborg is, but you’re running him down for a snapshot.

MACKENZIE

Oh. Well. You know how it is.

JIMMY

I can tell you a lot of stories about ol’ J-Tie, you got the time later on.

MACKENZIE

No, that’s really OK, I–

JIMMY

Tell you what, here’s the keycard to my hotel room, you mosey on up there after the con wraps up, I’ll give you the skinny on anything you want to know.

MACKENZIE

I’d rather wear this costume every day for the rest of my life.

JIMMY

I see no downside here.

MACKENZIE

Ugh.

SOUND: MACKENZIE RUNNING OFF

JIMMY

Technically that wasn’t a no!

SOUND: MUSIC TRANSITION

MACKENZIE

(over device)

Bowden! I’ve got a picture of Ellsbury’s contact, it’s some dude named Julius Tyborg.

BOWDEN

Excellent. Print a mask of him, and I’ll meet you at–

ANNIE

Well, well, well. Bowden Montcrief.

BOWDEN

I’m sorry, do I know OH MY GOD.

ANNIE

Mm-hmm. My eyes are still up here.

BOWDEN

(it’s not good to see her)

It’s good to see you… Kelly!

ANNIE

Try again.

BOWDEN

It’s good to see you… Stella!

ANNIE

Third time’s the charm.

BOWDEN

OK, look, why don’t you just–

ANNIE

ANNIE. ANNIE WILLMONT FROM THE SIOUX FALLS PLAYHOUSE.

BOWDEN

Annie! Right on the tip of my tongue! How’s the acting going?

ANNIE

I’m working a comic-con selling superhero-themed juuls to vaping hipsters, how do you think it’s going?

BOWDEN

Um…. better than Anne Heche!

ANNIE

I’d ask if you’re doing any better, but clearly you’re not.

BOWDEN

Hey now, I’ve been doing just fine…

ANNIE

Uh-huh. I’d love to hear this line of bull, but I’ve got to get over to the teen writer’s workshops, they’ve been my best customers.

BOWDEN

(calling after her)

Hey, wait! I’m working right now! Top secret work, can’t say–

ELLSBURY

Hey, what?

BOWDEN

I’m sorry, who’s that now OH FOR THE LOVE OF–

ELLSBURY

You said you were a big fan, here to meet me, but you’re doing ‘top secret work’!?

BOWDEN

No, you misheard me, I said… Top Secret still works, all these years later! Hoo boy, that Val Kilmer–

SOUND: CLICK.

BOWDEN

Is that a gun in your pocket or eh screw it.

ELLSBURY

Start walking.

SOUND: MUSICAL INTERLUDE INTO GENERAL CROWD NOISE

SKIP GRANGER

McGrath, where’s Bowden?

MACKENZIE

Isn’t he tailing Ellsbury?

SKIP GRANGER

I thought so, but then his communications dropped off.

MACKENZIE

Well, I got a picture of Ellsbury’s contact. His name is Julius Tyborg.

SKIP GRANGER

Lemme look him up online.

MACKENZIE

What is he, an arms dealer? Drug runner? International terrorist kingpin with a leather fetish?

SKIP GRANGER

He’s… the world’s foremost collector of Omega Red comic books.

MACKENZIE

OK, my first question: Omega Red?

SKIP GRANGER

It’s a propaganda comic written by Oleg Kryshelnikov in the nineteen-sixties about an elite Soviet spy unit battling the evil forces of the decadent West.

MACKENZIE

My second question… though I want to get back to that comic, cause it sounds super interesting.

SKIP GRANGER

I know, right?

MACKENZIE

Sort of a reaction to James Bond?

SKIP GRANGER

In a medium where you can really twist the narrative tropes and structures of a spy novel.

MACKENZIE

I was thinking the same thing! But also, WHAT THE HELL, HE’S JUST ANOTHER COMICS GUY?

SKIP GRANGER

A very unique comics guy. His sole interest is Omega Red, he has no other collections.

SOUND: SOMEONE ON ROLLER SKATES ROLLS UP AND STOPS

SKIP GRANGER

McGrath, look out!

BOWDEN

Hey guys!

MACKENZIE

Where’d you learn to skate like that!

BOWDEN

Starlight Express Canadian tour! But we’ve gotta get out of here, I —

ELLSBURY

(in the distance)

SECURITY! LORD NERO OF PLANET LESBOS STOLE MY ENVELOPE!

BOWDEN

Yep, I did that.

MACKENZIE

Wait, I’ve got a place we can hide! In the hotel! Room four-nine-two!

SKIP GRANGER

Let’s split up and meet there!

BOWDEN

LORD NERO AWAY!

SOUND: BRIEF MUSICAL CHASE INTO HOTEL HALLWAY AMBIENCE

MACKENZIE

Skip! You got away!

SKIP GRANGER

Yes, I found a cosplay meet up, completely lost him in there. My costume isn’t very original.

MACKENZIE

Now we just have to hope Bowden got away.

BOWDEN

He did.

MACKENZIE

JESUS, Bowden–

BOWDEN

I had no time, so I gave this outfit’s owner a hundred cash, then pulled an epic quick change.

MACKENZIE

If you were going to dress up as a Skywalker twin, though, I’d have pegged you for more of a Luke.

BOWDEN

I make this Leia pop. It’s all about the wig and the working it.

SKIP GRANGER

OK, let’s get inside this room before someone spots us.

SOUND: A DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES, HALLWAY AMBIENCE DROPS OUT

BOWDEN

How’d you get this room key?

MACKENZIE

Save it for the debrief. So what’s in the envelope you stole from Ellsbury?

BOWDEN

My guess is cash. Some massive bank note that Ellsbury had to smuggle.

SKIP GRANGER

I’m going with incriminating photos. Brandt could be blackmailing Julius Tyborg.

MACKENZIE

It’s… a comic book.

SKIP GRANGER

It’s a what?

MACKENZIE

Yep. Andromeda Force, issue five. Published nineteen sixty-eight.

SKIP GRANGER

Flip through it, there must be something hidden in there.

BOWDEN

Nope. Nothing but good old sixties American sci-fi, white men in buzz cuts saving the universe.

SKIP GRANGER

This doesn’t make any sense. Why go through all this trouble for a comic?

BOWDEN

Ellsbury had a second envelope on him. Whatever Brandt wanted him to bring into the country has to be in that other envelope. So let’s–

MACKENZIE

Ho. ly. Crap. This son of a–

SKIP GRANGER

McGrath, what’s wrong? What did you find?

MACKENZIE

Pictures, right here on the table.

BOWDEN

What are these, what am I looking at here… OH SWEET DAME JUDI DENSCH, I know what that is.

MACKENZIE

It appears the occupant of this room who lent me his key card has a little side project. He must have a camera under his booth so he can take upskirt shots of women in revealing cosplays.

BOWDEN

Man. That’s skeevy. And I’ve met Bryan Singer.

SKIP GRANGER

Let’s keep our eyes on the mission. It’s almost noon. That’s the deadline Ellsbury gave Tyborg to put the money in his account. McGrath. Have you got a good enough photo of Tyborg to build a mask of his face?

MACKENZIE

I sure do.

SOUND: THE MASK IS PRINTED

SKIP GRANGER

And Bowden, is the recording of that phone call enough for you to learn Tyborg’s voice?

BOWDEN

Worst case, I can Rich Little it.

SKIP GRANGER

All right. Then this is the plan.

SOUND: MUSICAL TRANSITION INTO CON FLOOR

ELLSBURY

Yes, thank you, no worries at all. You sure you don’t want it autographed, just an extra twenty… no, OK, fine, you cantankerous sniveling little–

(phone buzzes)

Yes. It’s in the account? Hold one minute while I confirm.

(tap tap tap)

Very good. Meet me outside Conference Room L in five minutes.

SOUND: QUICK MUSICAL TRANSITION, STILL ON CON FLOOR

ELLSBURY

Thank you for understanding my need for security.

TYBORG

We’ve little time. My sources tell me you lost an envelope.

ELLSBURY

I lost an envelope. Not the envelope. Here’s your precious contraband.

SOUND: SOMETHING IS PASSED

ELLSBURY

Good bye.

SOUND: ELLSBURY WALKS AWAY, THEN SKIP SAYS, APPROACHING…

SKIP GRANGER

Great work Bowden.

TYBORG

Thanks. Is he gone?

SKIP GRANGER

Yep.

SOUND: MASK PULLED OFF

BOWDEN

God, those masks make you sweat.

SKIP GRANGER

I knew this whole ordeal couldn’t have been over a simple comic book. What’s in the envelope?

BOWDEN

It’s… a comic book! The same comic that was in the other envelope!

SKIP GRANGER

What?!

BOWDEN

Andromeda Force, issue five. It’s even got the same wear and tear on the cover.

SKIP GRANGER

No. No no no! We’ve been had, I don’t know how, but we’ve been had!

BOWDEN

Granger, wait, we don’t–

MACKENZIE

Skip, what are you–

SOUND: TEARING PAPER

SKIP GRANGER

I’m just angry, damn it! I don’t know what sort of fast one they’re pulling on us, but I’m not going to let them do it, I–

ANNIE

Hey, Bowden! Warn your friend that people at a comic book convention frown on people tearing up comics in the middle of the floor!

SKIP GRANGER

Bowden, do you know this woman?

BOWDEN

Oh yes, yes, of course, old actor friend, we go way back to–

ANNIE

I made the mistake of sleeping with him while doing Summer Stock. He ghosted me after. I should’ve seen it coming, we were performing ‘Ghosts’.

BOWDEN

Well, this has been a fun little–

ANNIE

Of course then I found out he’d done the same thing to another actress the year before, and another the year before that–

BOWDEN

WE MUST DO THIS AGAIN SOME TIME.

ANNIE

And I must introduce you to my new boyfriend, he and I have been seeing a lot of each other since I started working the comic circuit. He’s very important, you know.

SKIP GRANGER

Miss, this is all very interesting, but perhaps you could–

ANNIE

His name is Julius Tyborg.

SKIP GRANGER

— you could tell us whatever you like about your new boyfriend!

MACKENZIE

Yes, please, spare no details.

BOWDEN

As I recall, she never did.

ANNIE

You never had it so good. Anyway. Julius is super rich, relatively un-gay in comparison to my recent dating vintage, and by the end of the day, a very rich man.

BOWDEN

Really?

ANNIE

Mm-hmm. He’s going to acquire the crown jewel of his collection. Andromeda Force issue five.

(a pause)

I see you’re suitably impressed.

MACKENZIE

That’s one word for it.

SKIP GRANGER

I thought Julius Tyborg only collected Omega Red comics.

ANNIE

HA! You do know who he is! I knew this wasn’t a repeat of the Tommy Wiseau incident! And yes, Julie-kins only collects Omega Red comics, but as anyone who’s anyone knows, Omega Red shows up on the last page of Andromeda Force issue five as an emissary of the Russian government! It was meant to be a big Cold War crossover! But public pressure caused the publisher to call it off after one proof leaked!

SKIP GRANGER

One proof?

ANNIE

That’s right. There’s only one Andromeda Force issue five in the entire world. It’s worth millions! Julius wants me to be with him when he collects it from its courier in the next five minutes, so I’ve got to go. It’s been fun. Toodles, Bowden!

SOUND: PAGES RUSTLING.

SKIP GRANGER

Last page last page last page…

BOWDEN

There’s Omega Red. In that little piece, right there.

MACKENZIE

The comic in the envelope you stole earlier, Bowden, that must have been a forgery.

BOWDEN

Of course! That way Tyborg had to pay Ellsbury to be sure he was getting the real comic.

MACKENZIE

And now…

SKIP GRANGER

And now I’ve destroyed a million dollar comic book.

BOWDEN

Chin up, Skip, it’s no worse than what the Spider-Man musical did.

MACKENZIE

Um, guys? Look over by the chili dog stand.

SKIP GRANGER

Is that…

BOWDEN

Yep. The real Tyborg has found Ellsbury. They appear to be having… words.

sKIP GRANGER

Aye carumba. Let’s get out of here.

MACKENZIE

Hold on…

SKIP GRANGER

McGrath, we have to go.

MACKENZIE

Give me one minute, please.

WALLCE

Ladies and gentlemen, if I may direct your attention to the center of the conference hall, we’re going to begin our afternoon session: the work of artist Jimmy Serafilio! Let’s give him a big hand!

SOUND: INSTEAD OF APPLAUSE, THERE IS A CHORUS OF ‘BOOS’

JIMMY

Hey, hey! What’s going on—-

WOMAN 1

You’re scum, Serafilio!

WOMAN 2

Explain this picture, jerk!

WOMAN 3

Two minutes! I talked to you for two minutes!

JIMM

WHOA WHOA WHOA!

BOWDEN

Why are all those women accosting that man and waiving their phones?

MACKENZIE

Because the data security at this convention is for crap.

SKIP

So?

MACKENZIE

I might have scanned that creep’s upskirt photos into my SnapFace recognition software. Then hacked the convention’s attendee database, matched each picture with the appropriate victim, and sent each one her own personal legal evidence. It looks like they’re not gonna wait for a trial

SOUND: BOOING, JIMMY BEGGING FOR QUIET

SKIP GRANGER

Have we done enough damage here?

MACKENZIE

Money launderers at each other’s’ throats, perv comic book author outed, I’d say we’re done.

SOUND: MUSICAL TRANSITION INTO OFFICE AMBIENCE

SECTION CHIEF ANDERS

So to summarize. Ellsbury has vanished. Brandt is completely incommunicado and will likely stay that way. And Julius Tyborg has similarly ghosted the world, having posted bail in Asbury Park Court on Monday after starting a brawl in the convention center food court.

SKIP GRANGER

Yes, well, it’s just a good thing the security guards were on their union-mandated chili dog break.

SECTION CHIEF ANDER

You mean lunch break.

SKIP GRANGER

No, chili dog break. New Jersey labor unions are weird.

SECTION CHIEF ANDERS

Well. On one hand, we’ve lost sight of every suspect in the case.

SKIP GRANGER

True. And I bear full responsibility for the failure of–

SECTION CHIEF ANDERS

On the other hand–

SKIP GRANGER

Yes?

SECTION CHIEF ANDERS

You determined they were using a rare comic book, bought with ill-gotten gains in Russia to be sold legitimately in the US, as a means of laundering money. And you stopped that laundering from taking place.

SKIP GRANGER

Well, I’m more than happy to take credit for–

SECTION CHIEF ANDERS

On the other hand–

SKIP GRANGER

I’m going to just wait till you tell me you’re done.

SECTION CHIEF ANDERS

There’s still the matter of McGrath interjecting herself into matters to out this… Jimmy Serafilio as a voyeur.

SKIP GRANGER

Ah. Yes. Miss McGrath. She has a certain… distaste for authority.

SECTION CHIEF ANDERS

The EMF is one of the most secretive organizations in the intelligence community. Only two elected officials even know we exist, and one of them thinks our function is observing the migratory patterns of wild parakeets.

SKIP GRANGER

I know, I spent my first six months here in charge of mock parakeet analysis.

SECTION CHIEF ANDERS

We can’t afford to risk exposure.

SKIP GRANGER

So… will McGrath be punished?

SECTION CHIEF ANDERS

I can’t have agents going rogue. But I’ve also spent twenty years at this job. And if I can’t give a euphemistic fist bump to an agent for outing a misogynistic pervert, then frankly I’ve wasted my time. Tell McGrath she gets away with this one. But I’m keeping an eye on her.

SOUND: MUSICAL TRANSITION

GLORIA

Oh my! And then what!

BOWDEN

I sidled up right next to him, and took a deep breath, and said… mind you, this is after ten minutes with only a scratch recording…

TYBORG

We’ve little time. My sources tell me you lost an envelope.

GLORIA

Oh, Agent Montcrief–

BOWDEN

Please, Bowden.

MACKENZIE

Please, Bowden.

BOWDEN

McGrath, what are you doing here?

MACKENZIE

Just waiting for Skip to sign off on my transfer back to prison.

GLORIA

Ooh, my lunch minute is up, I have to get back to work. Till later, Bowden?

BOWDEN

Till later.

SOUND: GLORIA GIGGLES AS SHE LEAVES.

MACKENZIE

So Bowden? Just to let you know. If you even think about hurting Gloria the way you hurt miss three-time- loser actress cum’ vape salesladay we met in Asbury–

BOWDEN

Who, Stella?

MACKENZIE

ANNIE. GOOD GOD IT WAS THIS MORNING.

BOWDEN

Right, her. And Gloria… she… I’m sorry, what were we talking about?

MACKENZIE

How you’re not going to hurt Gloria.

BOWDEN

Oh, don’t be silly, I’d never hurt Gloria.

MACKENZIE

I know. Because if you did, I’d kill you. With a spider robot.

BOWDEN

Ha! Spider robot, that’s… that’s, um… you’re serious?

MACKENZIE

Pro-tip. When someone serving a life sentence threatens you, err on the side of caution.

BOWDE

Oh. Uh. OK. I mean, I won’t.

MACKENZI

Good talk. Shame you have to go now.

BOWDEN

OK. Right.

SOUND: DOOR CLOSES AS BOWDEN LEAVES. THEN FOOTSTEPS APPROACH.

SKIP GRANGER

McGrath, you’re here, good.

MACKENZIE

All right. What message are you here to give me from Anders?

SKIP GRANGER

What… what makes you say–

MACKENZIE

You can approve my transfer with a phone call, yet here I stand waiting for some bureaucratic ‘T’ to be crossed.

SKIP GRANGE

Right. So. Anders just wanted me to tell you, your stunt this morning…

MACKENZIE

She doesn’t want me to risk exposing the agency so from now on she’ll have her eye on me or some damn patriarchal–

SKIP GRANGER

She’s a woman, so matriarchal, but… yes. How’d you—-

MACKENZIE

That’s what you people do.

SKIP GRANGER

Us people?

MACKENZIE

Overseers. State’s attorneys. Wardens. Suits. You people.

SKIP GRANGER

I’m not… that’s not me.

MACKENZIE

No. You’re just their messenger. Call me little sister, Skip. Cause all you are is Big Brother.

(beat)

Don’t feel bad, bud. I knew what I was signing up for. Besides, in a way, this was the perfect mission for our little squad.

SKIP GRANGER

How so?

MACKENZIE

It proved that, sometimes, the most valuable hero is the one who shows up where he’s least expected.

MUSIC: THE THEME

MISSION VOICE

Mission: Rejected was created by Pete Barry, J. Michael DeAngelis and John Dowgin. This episode was written by John Dowgin and directed by J. Michael DeAngelis. It starred Chris Klaniecki as Skip Granger, Nazli Sarpkaya as Mackenzie McGrath, Dave Stanger as Bowden Montcrief, Paige Klaniecki as Gloria, Faith Dowgin as Section Chief Anders, with Kirk White as Chet Phillips and Kevin McGrath as the Mission Voice.  Guest Starring were Ashley Banks as the Ocean Girl, Thom Boyer as Marcus Ellsbury, Matt Lafargue as Julius Tyborg, Jillian Ivey as Annie and Bob Killion as Jimmy Serafilio and The Admiral. The righteously angry women were played by Ashley Banks, Katie Barlow and Mylene Kerschner. Music, sound editing and mixing are by Pete Barry with additional sound engineering by Karen Yang. Like us on Facebook, follow us on Twitter and Instagram @MissionRejected and support us on Patreon at patreon.com/missionrejected for bonus audio, exclusive content and more. This has been a Porch Room production, copyright 2019 Extraordinary Missions Limited.

SOUND: MANY ANGRY FEMALE VOICES IN A MEETING HALL

WALLACE

Ladies, ladies, if I may have your attention…(everyone calms down) Thank you. On behalf of the convention, thank you for agreeing to come tonight, and I’m sure we can reach an amicable solution to this class action lawsuit in a speedy fashion. Now. Before we begin, Mister Serafilio would like to say something.

JIMMY

Thanks, Mike.

WALLACE

It’s Wallace

JIMMY

Anyway. So. Ladies. Before we begin, I just want to say that… I think we can all agree that we’re all victims here—-

SOUND: RIGHTEOUS CHAOS

MUSIC STINGER

THE END

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